My head is a mess [Xiomara]

[nathanielhaake]

You'd think after the break that Nathaniel would have an easier life. He was wrong. Suddenly things changed so dramatically that it effected him greatly. Not only did he miss Xiomara like heck and loved her, but there was Alessa and her next set of problems that always worried him. There was nothing wrong with Alessa, just the guys who dated her. However, how can he choose between two people he loved. At least Amanda made it easier for him. They were like brother and sister.

Yet, he felt so sick of himself. He couldn't avoid the both of them. Not even in the common room. They shared the same house for crying out loud! Hands tucked deeply in his baggy jeans as he walked down the corridor. He had no intention on staying inside these castle walls for a long while. He needed a breather, a long one outside. Maybe he can clear his head and his thoughts would just disappear. All of his feelings could just disappear for at least a day.

But that feeling, that nagging feeling, it just annoyed him. His heart torn between two. You could tell that Alexander tried pushing Nathaniel more toward Xiomara, to let his feelings out, but Amanda did the same to him toward Alessa. What was so special about Nathaniel? Girls never invaded his mind before school. He had no problems besides Herpo taking over his body and soul. Would he have preferred that life than this one? Would his worries go away?

Nathaniel would hate to hurt either of the two. He never wanted to hurt anyone, emotionally. But he couldn't choose, could he? Not without effecting the other. He knew Alessa longer than Xiomara and Amanda. Alessa was the first to approach him, welcome him, share her life with him, and he was always there for her. Through thick and thin. And suddenly he realized he wasn't within those castle walls, but outside in the fresh cool air. The breeze brushing across his cheeks and swiping his long flared fringe to the side.

What to do? What to do? What to do? His royal blue eyes looked to the lake. The waters rippling slowly like wind on dark silk blankets. Heading toward that direction, he approached slowly, but surely to the water lapping banks. There, he looked down at his reflection, seeing someone torn and confused. This wasn't Nathaniel. This was someone else. Someone who shouldn't exist in this world. What to do? What should he do?

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

[Xiomara Lang]

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Xiomara’s eyes were transfixed on the common room floor as she sat, her back hunched over with her elbows on her knees, and her hands like a ledge holding up her chin. The light from the fire flickered across her face as she stared, nearly emotionless at the motionless ground. She felt distracted, kind of in a daze. Something was happening inside of her and she didn’t like it. Blinking only made her hurt more. For some reason she felt crushed. Maybe it was the fact that Nathaniel hadn’t been around, or the fact that he hadn’t even attempted to see her since she’d decided not to go. Perhaps he wanted her to go.

Who knew. Xiomara was so confused now. She felt lost, and she couldn’t even turn to Nathaniel because he wasn’t there for her to turn to. And the most painful part was that she truly loved him, and she couldn’t deny that. And that was probably the thing that tore her heart the most. She could never tell him, she would never. But time was ticking on and she wasn’t trying hard enough. Or perhaps she had tried to hard and it had pushed him away. He was her best friend, but as much as she’d hate to admit it, she couldn’t help feel jealous if he was with someone else. When he was with Amanda, for only a short time, Xiomara had felt this hurting feeling, quite unlike any feeling she’d ever felt before.

In two terms, the two would graduate. What then? What if he had already fallen in love with someone else and had gotten married? Would Xiomara be alone forever? Because all she had ever thought about for five terms, not counting the whole Christian situation, was Nathaniel. He was everything to her, even though he didn’t know it. And Alexander had tried to get her to break out of her little shell, but still.. it was like she just couldn’t. She feared Nathaniel’s response. She feared being rejected by someone she truly cared for. But would it be better to be rejected then to never know? What if he had felt the same way and she had never told him, and then suddenly he was with someone else who could never love him the way Xiomara could?

Xiomara didn’t know why she had been thinking about this so often, but it was just – time. Time was taking it’s toll on her and the terms seemed to go by too quickly. It felt to her that they’d be graduated soon and she still wouldn’t know what to do with her life. Everyone she knew had someone they could grow old with, someone they cared deeply for, and there was Xiomara, always alone and happy. She felt alone, always. Others had been hurt by relationships while Xiomara was just… alone. What kind of life would she have after school, when she spent her entire years alone? Was there something wrong with her? Something stopping her from… love? From some kind of affection?

The subject wasn’t to be answered. And by no means would she be able to answer her own questions, so she finally moved. A deep sigh escaped her lips as she moved her head from her hands. She exhaled deeply and got off of the sofa, and taking a few steps forward. She rubbed her eyes, it was as if she’d taken a long nap and had just woken up from it. She wished these doubts and feelings would be just like a dream, something that would just go away, but they wouldn’t. So Xiomara forced herself to escape from her ‘dreaming’ and to go out into the real world for a bit.

As she exited the castle, the sun blinded her darkened eyes and she had to shield them until she had gotten used to the light change. Standing on the grass of Hogwarts grounds, Xiomara stared blankly at the students who stood near one another talking. Everyone had their specific groups, and Xiomara did too at some point, but it seemed that too was also diminishing. Alexander was crushed by the fact that Eva kept disappearing and reappearing at convenient times. And Lillian, well she had skipped over somewhere and had been gone for a while now. And then Nathaniel…

Xiomara’s eyes fell upon a dark haired boy, his head cropped down as he stared at his own reflection in the water. Yet another sigh escaped the girls lips as she took a step forward. It was time to face him. It was time for the two of them to talk. But of course she wouldn’t tell him the truth. They’d probably just have their usual bit of chatting and joking around. But as Xiomara approached him, she could tell there was something going on in that head of his. She had known the look on his face from when he had problems with his Herpo situation.

“Hey there.” She smiled shyly as she appeared at his side. Her eyes also moved down to look at her reflection in the lakes surface. Her hair was strangely mangled in some kind of sloppy look that didn’t look too attractive right this moment. Ehh, she should have combed it probably. But oh well, it just made things all that worse.[/font][/size][/ul]

[nathanielhaake]

The sound of her voice echoed in his mind. Xiomara's face appeared next to his in the water. The one person he had hoped to see, and the one person he wished he wouldn't hurt. The feelings inside him constantly fought against each other. Never sure of how things were going to end up. If things will ever be the same between him and Xiomara. And if she would ever except him no matter the consequences.

Their past history was a rocky one, but improved with each obstacle they have overturned. Since Herpo, Nathaniel wasn't sure what he could do or say to Xiomara since she disappeared at the end of last term. His main help was only Alexander, Brandon, and Sarah. But she was here next to him and he was more confused than ever because all that they have gone through, his feelings toward her increased.

Though, the unraveling of his deepest desire left him hopeless. Not only did he love her, but he loved another more. Someone he knew longer and someone he trusted as much as Xiomara. He never expected to be put in such a situation like this. Things between him and Xiomara were suppose to be best-friend-like. Or a bond between a brother and sister. Nathaniel lifted his gaze to look at Xiomara, unresponsive at first.

What are they going to talk about now? How was he going to be able to be straight forward with her and not risk their friendship? Maybe that subject wouldn't come up. It may be eating Nathaniel away, but it would be he that will suffer more than anyone in this world. Finally he found his voice to say something. "Hey." He replied back casually. It was such an overused word with Nathaniel, but he was unsure of how to start a proper conversation. "How are things with you?"

[Xiomara Lang]

Here’s the day you hoped would never come
Don’t feed me violins;;
Just run with me through rows of speeding cars
The papercuts, the cheating lovers, the coffees never strong enough
I know you think it’s just more than bad luck
There, there baby it’s just exposed stuff
It’s in the A B C of growing up
There, there darling;; Oh don’t lose your head
Because none of us are angels and you know I love you, yeah.

Xiomara’s eyes moved away from her reflection up to the sullen Nathaniel standing beside her. Even his hello told her that something was wrong. Her smile faltered as she attempted to pretend everything was peachy on her end. But honestly, he knew better. They both knew better. And they both were troubled, and she could tell by the look in his eye that it had to do with her. It felt painful to look at him this way, but casual conversation wasn’t going to be had here, she already knew that.

“Everything’s been... fine.” She lied, attempting a smile once again. Her eyes surveyed his face, he looked unhappy, confused about something, or maybe she was just a mind reader. He wasn’t happy, and it hurt to see him like this. Biting her lip softly, she lowered her gaze to look at his feet. She didn’t know where to begin. She didn’t even know if she should begin. There was this feeling in her. She just wanted to be close with him again. She wanted to have his arms wrapped around her, him breathing softly on her neck with him whispering ‘it’ll all be okay’ into her ear.

But, no. Xiomara’s sapphire eyes rose up to look at him again. She wanted to tell him. She wanted him to know how much she loved him. They fit so perfectly together, and she knew that he even felt it. But lately, he felt distant. He had stepped over a line that she didn’t dare cross. It scared her. He looked scared too, scared of something.

Inhale. Xiomara exhaled slowly, opening her mouth slightly as though about to speak, but no words came out, only silence. What would she say? No. Xiomara couldn’t tell him. She needed to show him. She needed to feel him just once. She needed to feel close to him, with his breath on her face, breathing her in. Taking a step forward, Xiomara kept her eyes on him, then her eyes moved to his lips, and moments later she had moved very close to his face. She gave him a moment to back away before pressing her lips against his.

Placing her hand on the side of his face, she kissed him softly and then backed off, dropping her hand at once. Her eyes were wide as she stared at him, frozen. What had she done? “I-I” she wasn’t sure what she could say. She couldn’t apologize, because she was clearly not sorry. It was something she’d been wanting to do since their second term. They fit so perfect. Why hadn’t he seen it? Why weren’t they together.

X gulped, her heart racing as she stared at him. This moment of silence seemed to last for hours as she stood there, wordless and frightened of his response. She wished he’d kiss her back, or say something. At least let them have a moment. But perhaps that was what he was doing, giving her a moment of hope, before letting the waves crash down and wash her away.



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[nathanielhaake]

Was everything fine? Nathaniel could tell these days how someone felt. Not since the incident in the owlery with Alessa. He was still in shock after what happened. How does he feel? After all this time, how could he feel? But what boggled his mind more was Alessa was vulnerable at the time. She had just broken up with Dezi. Could she ever really love him after it had been but a couple of weeks since they broke up? Was he a rebound?

It was these questioned that filled his mind constantly, diseasing his thoughts, and confusing the hell out of him. Nathaniel didn't want to make the wrong decision, especially with Alessa. She doesn't deserve to hurt anymore, but she needed time. He needed time to register all she had bluntly put forth on his plate. But Alessa wasn't his only problem because there was Xiomara.

Nathaniel knew how he felt about Xiomara. It had been there since their second year. The emotions he went through during quidditch, the times they've spent together by the tranquil observatory, and where ever they randomly met. Alexander's nudge had always sunk him back a step with her. He put her off way too long and now he's paying for it. Nathaniel couldn't tell who he could be with and love more than just friends.

His head still downcast, he noticed that Xiomara had left the picture beside him in the reflection. She hadn't left, no, but she made sure that he was facing her. And looking into those sapphire orbs of hers, he could see that his life was in a downspiral. Blue eyes were his weakness, but in every girl he could turn to face, especially Xiomara, he felt like crumbling down to the ground.

He was weak, too weak to back away from her because he wanted this too. But what he wanted and he needed weren't the same. Nathaniel didn't back away from Xiomara, but instead, embraced the kiss she left upon his lips. And her hand on the side of his face left a tingly trail he wished would never go away. Xiomara made it harder for him. Nathaniel as torn between two and it was the first time he ever really felt guilt and hurt.

"Damnit. I just wish things could be easier in life Xiomara." His royal blue eyes look down at her. "Believe me, I would never want to hurt you or anyone for that matter. The worst part about it is I never wanted to be put in such a position where I had to choose from the ones I love. And it kills me." He muttered as tears begin to pool over his eyes. "I just don't know how I feel or what I can do. I-I hate myself for it and I'm sorry X. I'm so sorry if-if I don't turn out to be the one to really love you as my own."

[Xiomara Lang]

[nathanielhaake]

It was either a make it or break it situation. Nathaniel was clouded with doubts and what-ifs. He finally had the chance to be with Xiomara since he began liking her more than friends in their second year, but there was another he couldn't get his mind off of. It was complicated. He loved two people at the same time and the hardest part was choosing.

Was it ever really easy for someone to choose one over the other? Why did love had to be so difficult? Nathaniel didn't want to give up on either girls, but he could be with both. He had to be with one. And his heart ached because he wasn't sure if he was making the biggest mistake in his life. What if he was with Xiomara? What if he was with Alessa?

Time could only tell, right? But what he needed most was space. Nathaniel needed to clear his mind. So much has happened within the past two weeks that it practically left him in a mess he couldn't get out of. Xiomara was right here within arms reach. He could just go over to her and hold her in his arms like they were meant to be.

But guilt would forever be in his mind because he held Alessa the way he should have held Xiomara. And to choose. He never wanted things to end up this way. His eyes looked down at Xiomara as she began to speak. What was she saying? Did she want him to give up on them? After all they have gone through? Wasn't love worth fighting for?

This trouble his thoughts even more because Xiomara had given up. She said it right there that she was too late. They were too late. Did this make his decision much easier? No because he wanted her as much as he wanted Alessa too. Wiping what tears had almost fallen down his face, he sighed as she never left his sight. "I just wish X that things didn't have to come to this."

Nathaniel loved her, but if it was just friendship she wanted now, then he'd take it. That meant he didn't lose her, but valued her more. It was a heart over mind game for him. And as much as his heart screamed and scorned at him for letting this happen, he kept in mind that he still had Xiomara close to him. That is all that ever mattered.

He took a few steps closer to Xiomara and embraced her in his arms. Nathaniel didn't want to let go, but at least he understood now what he must do. And even if Xiomara wasn't going to be with him, she was going to be next to him for the rest of their lives, as friends. "Don't think that I'll ever stop loving you though. You're the best friend I'll ever have, my Melon head."

[Xiomara Lang]

[/i]Xiomara found her smile fading, her strength weakening. Her eyes, still melting at every breath she stared back at the only one she’d ever truly love. No matter how many ways you could deny the two, there were too many ways that proved they were meant for one another. Perhaps it was their friendship, that grew stronger at every moment they had spent with one another. And maybe it was the fact that neither of them saw it before, or maybe they had and they were just too afraid to admit it.

This was all too surreal. It seemed so final to her, standing there so solemn after pouring out her feelings. Feelings she’d had since she had been a second year. Why couldn’t things work out for her? It seemed like every time she poured out some kind of feeling, she felt trapped and she felt as though she should have never said or pursued anything to begin with. And for Xiomara, she didn’t pursue much. For the most part, all she thought about was quidditch and her friends. It was very rare that she adapted feelings for a boy and actually pursued them. Actually it had only happened once before, with Christian, and that was a mistake. The biggest mistake she’d ever made actually.

Xiomara closed her eyes as Nathaniel moved forward, wrapping his arms around her tightly, embracing her. His grip was firm around her, and she knew that he didn’t want to let her go, and she didn’t want to let him go either. She moved her arms to rest around his waist, leaning her head against his shoulder. She listened to the soft thumping of his heart and she could feel his breath on her neck, warm and fragile. This was the perfect moment.

"Don't think that I'll ever stop loving you though. You're the best friend I'll ever have, my Melon head." He said quietly, but loud enough that she could hear him clearly. Xiomara’s eyes opened, staring at the lake as the breeze blew across the surface, causing it to ripple and distort the sun’s reflection. She felt the tear streak down across her cheek involuntarily. She couldn’t stop herself from slipping a bit. “I wish you’d just tell me that I was wrong, and that I wasn’t too late.” She whispered back in reply. The way he had said that, made her feel as though it was too final. It felt like a goodbye to something she hadn’t even said hello to yet.

This moment felt like a moment in one of those old movies. A moment portrayed in black and white, with cheesy music in the background and overdramatized actors. This would be the part where he’d tell her everything was alright and that he loved her and they’d live happily ever after. But this wasn’t a movie, and this wasn’t perfect. Although they were two perfect pieces to one very strange puzzle, life didn’t always work out how it was meant to be and sometimes people cheated and made new puzzle pieces to fit in with their own lives.

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[nathanielhaake]

Was Nathaniel making the biggest mistake in his life? Was he going to risk letting go of Xiomara and pursue Alessa after all they have gone through? He found himself stuck in the middle of the two, trying to find the best possible way to make everyone happy. But how can anyone be happy after what has happened? Nathaniel shared something special with Xiomara that he couldn't share with Alessa.

However, Nathaniel knew Alessa longer than he did with Xiomara. And he knew Alessa's life as if it had been written on frailed pages of a diary. He was there for the both of them, and he didn't like how he was going to finalize one relationship by closing the door on her and choosing the other because he didn't want this to end. He didn't want to give up on either of them.

It's too bad there wasn't two Nathaniel's. He couldn't duplicate himself because he had one heart and two bodies couldn't share that one heart. But he wanted them both, more than anything, and he just wanted to die if he made the other more disappointed and distant to him than he wanted. Nathaniel could lose Xiomara. And she's right, they were a perfect pair, but time could only tell.

This is the now, and if Nathaniel made a mistake in his life at this point, he knew he'd pay for it greatly in the future. It frightened him most when he thought of the future. When he graduates from school. Where would Nathaniel end up? And would he still keep in contact with Xiomara? Figuring that the future from now is useless to predict, he brushed most of his thoughts away just in time to hear the last of Xiomara's words.

His fingers gripped on her sweater as if he was clinging to her tightly. Slow and steady breaths left his lungs while Xiomara laid against his chest. He didn't want to tell her that she was wrong because she wasn't. It just wasn't the right time for them. Perhaps if time had matured on their side, then maybe one day the two would meet again. Until then, his eyes descended from the sky to look down at his companion.

"You're not wrong Xiomara." He sniffed as he tried to keep stronger for the two. His appearance grew graver, knowing he'd regret letting go of her from this moment on. "Time just isn't on our side right now." And he wasn't sure how things would turn out from this point on, but he didn't want to erase Xiomara from his life and heart. He hoped to keep her there forever, even if it tortured his soul every living day from now on.

[Xiomara Lang]

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