Killing Loneliness [Continued] [Closed]

[Holden J. Caulfield]

On the Grounds

Amanda grabbed his hand and nodded her head to the castle. Holden began following her as she pulled him up the hill. He blushed as she grabbed his hand. The Hufflepuff agreed completely. "Maybe I'll have coffee this time. I need some coffee." Holden didn't know what to make of this, Amanda holding his hand. Then she let go and grabbed onto his sleeve.

A sigh came from his lips. He couldn't let these feelings resurface. It hadn't worked with Haley and it didn't work out with Jessica; Amanda would be no different. Holden shook his head. No, he would stop these feelings before they came back. He wouldn't allow himself to like anyone ever again. Love just hurts too much.

Holden pulled his sleeve from her grip. No more touching. No anything. Feelings would never resurface. He would make himself emotionless. That would be better, much better.

"When I see your smile tears roll down my face. I can't replace. And now that I'm strong I have figured out how this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul. And I know I'll find deep inside me, I can be the one.

"I will never let you fall. I'll stand up with you forever. I'll be there for you through it all, even if saving you sends me to heaven.

"It's ok, It's ok, It's ok.

"Seasons are changing and waves are crashing and stars are falling all for us. Days grow longer and nights grow shorter. I can show you I'll be the one," he sang softly.

Another sigh came from his lips as they walked inside. Now he suddently felt bad for feeling this way. They were just feelings, but he didn't want to get hurt again. Holden ran his hand through his hair and looked to Amanda. He would never tell her about this. It would be better that way.

Holden opened up the door to the castle and let Amanda walk in first before he walked in. French Canadian gentleman. He walked beside her as they walked to the kitchens. Coffee was much needed in his system after this. Holden had always been a coffee addict since he was able to drink non-formula milk.

His gray eyes drifted to the floor as he thought. How could he become emotionless? How could he teach himself how to be that way? Would emotionless be better? Holden shook his head then opened the door to the kitchens. Again he let Amanda through before he did.

The Hufflepuff looked around to see if there were any house elves around.

[/size][/blockquote]

[amandalarsen]

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts
Just a cage of rib bones and other various part
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess

The walk from the bottom of the hill and up was slow, but steady so that the two wouldn't fall. Amanda didn't want for the both of them to get injured, especially when the Quidditch team will eventually count on the two. Coffee, she knew he like coffee since that one day they bumped into each other in London. Ah fall break, it brought back those good old memories.

She never really recognized the symbolism of her hand in Holden's because it was a friendly gesture. Though she's never really thought of feeling more for him than just their goofy friendship that has all of a sudden felt like the best relationship she's had ever. Comparing Holden to Nathaniel and Alessa is blasphemy! However, they had each other and who did Amanda have?

Holden was something else. Full of mystery. He's kept her guessing everytime they were together, but she could never be tired of his company. It's comforting to have someone around who actually enjoys your presence besides yourself. But there is a twinge of something added to these feelings, but she's very oblivious to these things. Her life isn't as perfect as it seems and love was far from her mind.

The climb was successful, but during the process, she's lost her grip on Holden. He's managed to bring himself right up next to her either way, so she had nothing to worry about. Quietly she walked next to him toward the castle that towered over them. Amanda avoided shadowy areas because they were colder than being out in the sun in these temperatures.

Silence between the two of them was odd. It's awkward for Amanda because she's known Holden to be more talkative. Lately he's changed around her for some reason, but she hopes it is not because of what he mentioned earlier about Jessica. She doesn't know Jessica and she's not one to pry into people's personal lives unless they asked her to.

Okay, so she used to pry into people's lives, but that was when she wrote for the gossip column. That was ages ago and she's definitely changed since then. Hearing him sing softly to himself, she slows her pace, but doesn't look at Holden. Instead, her eyes wander elsewhere because she's unsure if the day would turn out fine after what happened earlier.

Forgive and forget? There's nothing to forgive, but she'd let Holden have his space. He was distant with her now, so she just couldn't push on him her presence. Was she the one that's causing him to be so distant with her anyway? What did she do that was wrong? Amanda wasn't a needy girl or dumb for that matter. She's far different from any girl in this school.

The doors opened to the school and they entered in silence. She looked at the Great Hall where everyone began having their late breakfasts that morning. The chatter was far louder than their footsteps on the stone floor. Walking beside him, she tucked her hands in her jean pockets, eyes downcasted as they followed down the corridors toward the kitchens.

At least he was nice enough to open the door for her. She smiled to him very little and entered to the quiet kitchens. Odd since you'd think elves would be working hard. Again this would mean that Holden and Amanda would have to fend for themselves and find coffee, chocolate, and milk. That's unless Amanda finds something else that she'd like to have a drink of.

"Empty. Unusual don't you think?" She looks over her shoulder at him. Was he even paying attention to her? Her hands slid out of her jeans and smoothed over the grainy surface of the counters. She went toward a fridge that kept cool drinks inside and opened it widely. "Oh! Forget the hot chocolate, there's lemonade in here. Don't know why they don't serve that during meals," she huffs and takes the pitcher out.

"So, I hope we don't have a hard time finding the coffee," Amanda paused and slapped her forehead gently. "Ugh, that's right, you could just summon it to you," she laughs at herself stupidly. The advantages of magic when you need something and you can't find it. Well her wand was useful when she whipped it out and summoned a mug for Holden and a glass for herself. "You take your coffee plain?"

And we are so fragile and our cracking bones make noise
And we are just breakable breakable breakable girls and boys

[Holden J. Caulfield]

Why did this have to be so complicated? Why couldn't things go back to the way they were? Would it be better to go back to where they didn't know each other? No. Never. Holden would never go back that far if he could change time. Would he change it back to where Amanda and him were just friends and nothing more? No.

Holden looked up when Amanda mentioned coffee and how he liked his. "Black. Pure black coffee will be fine." He continued to look at Amanda and noticed something. Do I have a thing for blondes? Haley is blonde. Jessica has brown. Amdanda is blonde too. No, I like Amanda as a friend. Nothing more and nothing less. I've really got to stop lying to myself.

He put his hands into his pockets. Was Amanda making his coffee for him? She didn't have to do that for him. Holden could make his own coffee like he did every morning. He would have to thank her when the coffee was done. As he thought more about his feelings he knew what he was going to do...let the crumbles fall where they may.

Let the crumbles fall where they may sounded like the best thing he could do for now. Just whatever happens happens. Holden wasn't going to change things. Amanda was Amanda and would forever be Amanda. She wasn't Jessica. Amanda wouldn't leave him questioning, would she? He was so confused. She wasn't like the other girls.

Holden bit his lip and looked away from her. She would never see him the same way. Did he feel that way for her? It was so hard to tell these days. Often he did find himself jealous of Avery and Jackson. He hated to admit it but he sometimes did feel jealous of his friends. Their relationship. Holden had wanted that relationship. But he didn't want to get his hopes so high; he knew they would crash before his eyes into a million pieces.

A cough came from his lips as he looked to the floor. No he wasn't sick. Holden always had a cough year 'round. His tongue clicked inside of his mouth as he continued to think about this situation. The Hufflepuff sort of hoped that these feelings would go away.

His gaze looked back up at her. Didn't Amanda used to write for the Gossip Column? Now he remembered. That's why he hadn't talked to Amanda before their fifth term, because of that colum crap. Holden didn't want to be written about. He didn't remember his name ever being in the school paper. The Hufflepuff remembered when Dezi and Alessa was in it. Didn't Nathaniel write that? The point was this: Was Amanda still the same person when she wrote those columns about people? or was she different now?

Amanda didn't seem that way, at least, as far as he could see. His gray eyes continued to stare at her as she had a coffee mug in her hand. Had she changed? Now this was going to tear him up. What if she was using him and was going to write about him? No, she wasn't like that. Amanda would never...

No. He wouldn't allow himself to think about that. She didn't act that way around him. Amanda wasn't that same Amanda before he knew her. Did he know her? This brought on new thoughts and his mind began to race; along with his heart. Holden wouldn't think about this. It was all too much.

He got out of his seat without warning. Holden ran his hands through his hair and looked up at the ceiling. He hadn't been the same person before he met her. Holden Caulfield wasn't the temper flaring boy he had been his fourth year. Now barely anything got to him; sept for his heart.

Holden shook his head trying to clear his head. Things would be okay. He would be fine. His heart already broke once; just like everyone else in the world. Holden would make it out like he did last time. No one was looking for love nor a relationship. They were just friends. Friends and that was all. Then he rememered...

I'm going to let the crumbles fall where they may.

[/size][/blockquote]

[amandalarsen]

"If you insist," she replies while finding the coffee around the cabinets. It's not long before she finds a canister of the grinded coffee beans and the aroma was very strong. Coffee reminded her of early mornings when she'd wake up to the smell. Her father always had coffee before he left to work. Black and strong, never cream and sugar like her mother would take it.

Memories of home then reminded her that it'll be a few weeks away until Christmas. She'll receive presents and maybe she'll visit them on that day, just for a few hours and see how Rachel and Peter are also doing. Well anyway, she wasn't going to be distracted while making Holden's coffee. Though she's unsure if she'll make it best for him.

Finding the metal tea pot, she raises it below the faucet and waits as the water runs into it, just half way. Then shutting the faucet off, she goes to the stove, turning the fires on and then setting the tea pot on top for the water to boil. She's not sure what Holden was doing at the moment, but it was very quiet inside the Kitchens. Silence never sets too well with Amanda.

She then went to prepare his mug, adding a perforated metal filter that she found in the drawer and set it on top of his mug. It needed not paper filter since the metal mesh was compact enough to hold the coffee grains. Since he wanted his coffee strong and black, she spooned in two helpings of the coffee grains and then put the canister back in the cabinet.

Amanda turns around and her eyes finally settle on the very thoughtful Holden Caulfield. Arms crossed over her chest, waiting for the tea pot to scream that it's ready. She could see the steam already begin to leave the spout of the pot. Almost forgetting that she had brought out the pitcher of lemonade from the fridge, she pours her half glass full and returns the pitcher into the fridge and takes a sip.

The lemonade was tart, which made her make a face. But nevertheless, it was good lemonade, not like her mother's. She hoists herself up on the counter, legs dangling over the side, both motionless. Waiting in silence was eerie. Actually silence wasn't her particularly favorite sound. Her fingers began to tap on the smooth surface, eyes downcasted to the ground.

What to do in the meantime, what to think? Holden was awfully quiet and Amanda found herself in the position to say something. Anything. But before she could even say a word, the tea pot let out a loud scream which startled her. Sliding off the counter, she grabs a rag and takes the pot off the stove and lets it stand for a moment on a cooling pad so that she could turn the stove off.

Then returning with the tea pot of hot water, she slowly pours it into the mesh filter where the coffee grains floated in a pool of blackness. She does this until the mug is full, almost to the rim. Then taking the filter off and disposing the grains and washing it out in the sink, she dries it and returns the metal filter back into it's rightful spot in the kitchen.

"Coffee is ready," she murmured to him, letting it stand on the island table where she took her seat at with her own drink. "Hope it's okay. It's not from Starbucks, but it's homemade," the sides of her lips lift into a small smile.

[Holden J. Caulfield]

He watched Amanda remember that she had brought out some lemonade. Holden had also forgotten she had brought out the pitcher full of the tart liquid. Amanda pulled out a cup and poured the glass half full. If it had been him pouring the glass into the cup he would have said it was half empty.

Thinking about the glass he couldn't remember the name of the lyrics by Atreyu. What was the song called? A Five Vodicin Shot with a Shotgun? No. It was going to kill him. Holden looked up to hear Amanda to see that the coffee was ready. When had it been ready? The Hufflepuff was handed the hot steaming coffee cup. The heat coming from the cup made his fingers hot. "Thanks," he smiled.

A Five Vodicin Chased witha Shot of Clarity! I can't believe that I couldn't remmeber that. As much as I listen to that song. Holden thought about the lyrics and how they related to his life. Sometimes he would go into the Muggle Electronics Room and spend half the day seeing what lyrics matched his mood or his life at the time.

I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s gonna to be ok this time. My heart has skipped its final beat, (it’s beating me down) onto the floor. That must mean that the pills are working. The glass isn’t half empty this time. I smashed it on the ground a long long time ago. It shattered when it fell, and I broke the pieces. (Each shard’s another reason); another way to give up.

Holden's gray eyes looked back to the lemonade glass. Now it was more than half empty. I'm going to let things crumble where they may. Life wasn't so bad now was it? He was happy right now in the inside. Holden was hanging out with one of his best friends and just hanging out. Then he had to agree...

"The glass isn't half empty this time," he said randomly. Yes, the glass wasn't half empty this time. Everything was okay and would remain okay. There was nothing wrong with liking someone. The more he thought about it the more he agreed with himself. They were feelings that were bound to go away.

Holden looked down to his coffee and blew into the mug. He took a breath and blew into the cup again. Pulling the coffee up to his lips he could feel the steam still coming from the mug. Touching his mouth his lips parted and he took a gulp of the black coffee.

His mouth began to turn very hot and he could feel the upper part of his mouth and his tongue get scalled by the coffee. Holden swallowed and felt his tongue feel very very numb. He had burnt his mouth. Parting his lips again he took another swing and this time it didn't feel as bad as the first time. The Hufflepuff took a deep breath.

"This is really good," he said complimenting Amanda. Someone had some coffee making skills. Holden gave her another small smile and continued to drink his coffee. No one knew how addicted he was to coffee. If he didn't have coffee every morning then he would get headaches till he drank coffee. "What would you like to do now?"

[/size][/blockquote]

[amandalarsen]

She needn't to be thanked for making his coffee, but she smiled gently to him nevertheless. Often she's watched how coffee is made. Only on several occasions has she made coffee for her father or both parents. That is if either one were still in bed and it was their birthday or mother and father's day. Her own glass of the tart juice was just as satisfying enough though.

Taking another sip, she glances around the empty kitchen. Awkward since the place should be busily ready with house elves. The last time she's ever really stepped foot in here was with Holden last term. Hot chocolate with smashed pieces of peppermint. Her favorite of course. With wintery days approaching, Amanda will have to make more often stops in the kitchen.

It's hard to say anything for the while when Amanda was unsure what to talk about. She especially doesn't want to think of Quidditch at the time. Try-outs were so difficult around this time of the term. Always bothersome because some nitwits just couldn't contain themselves. Getting too cocky for their own good, or they just give up too easily.

This reminds her that she definitely needs to fill the team roster up. She'll have to have try-outs again. Hopefully more successful than the first. Her glass became less fuller with another sip. She's now used to the tartness of the liquid and craves more, but she'd rather not upset her stomach. It's bad enough that she's nervous around Holden for some unknown reason.

"No it isn't," she replies whilst looking at her own cup. She wasn't sure what he was talking about, but Amanda has become used to his random comments and bursts of chorus lines. He's always been entertaining to her. Enjoying his musical voice, even if she doesn't admit he has a nice one. Amanda isn't a singer, but more of a writer herself. However, she's given that up.

Slowly drinking the rest of her lemonade, she hops off the counter and washes the glass out, only to fill it halfway up with water this time. Too much tart and her mouth feels rather sore. Returning to her seat, she looks to Holden as he sips his cup of coffee. At least he didn't cringe to it, so she probably did good with making his coffee.

"That's good to know. I thought I didn't put enough coffee grains or it would've been too watered down," she admits, but is thankful for his compliment. Amanda's right fore-finger circles the lip of her cup for a while, contemplating their next move. "I'm not sure actually," she replies. "I know I don't want to return outside for awhile. Too cold. You know... we should do something fun. We haven't really caused much trouble in a long time, haven't we?"

[Holden J. Caulfield]

"No, the coffee tastes better than when I make it." Holden put the cup back to his lips and finished the rest of it. "All done," he said softly and showed her inside the cup to show he hadn't been lying to her. A smirked began to play on his lips.

It was true; they hadn't caused trouble in ages. "Well I tried to get you to make a potion with me backwards in Potions. But nooo," he smiled. "There is always the library to go to. Make fun of first years that fall in 'love' so easily. Numerous things. Pick one.

"I agree, no outside. I'm still recovering from the cold." Holden put the cup in the sink and stood by Amanda. "There is also the Muggle Electronics Room, the dungeons, the two towers." He put his head against Amanda. "Lets join minds to come up with something," he teased and moved his head away from Amanda's.

He began to scratch his cheek in thought and because it itched like crazy. "Could go lay in the hallway for no reason. Talk about the most random things," he said. Holden looked at her to see what she would say. Just lay there on the floor of the hallway. Watch people walk over them or around them. He would have a few choice of words if people walked over them, specially if they walked over Amanda. Personally he would trip the person that walked over him on purpose.

Holden blinked then look around the room. It was so empty. You would think there would be house elves in here. I guess they're on vacation too. Do they even get vacation? He looked back to Amanda to see what she was doing, if she was doing anything. She has really pretty eyes. "You're eyes are blue," he said randomly looking at them. "Oh [insert a beep word here]. Sorry. I didn't mean to say that out loud," he said. Now she knows you were staring at her.

He looked at the ceiling as he cursed himself out in his head. Stupid stupid stupid. Oh my Gawd you're so stupid. You seriously need to stop looking at her and stop talking out loud. Then he thought about what he had thought of earlier; letting the crumbles fall where they may. Well that didn't count for stupidity!

A sigh came from his lips and he crossed his arms. Now Amanda was going to think he was a stalker or something. Holden shook his head and closed his eyes. He was seriously mad at himself at the moment. Sucker for the eyes. Grawr. Now she thinks I'm crazy.

[/size][/blockquote]

[amandalarsen]

Amanda smiled faintly to Holden for reassuring her that the coffee was good. Considering that he works at a tea parlour, it would have been different for someone else to make his drink and serving him than the other way around. At least she was giving him the day off. Maybe she should try to do something else rather than stick around the castle. Quidditch was going slow anyway and the classes were... well terrible.

Her eyes glanced inside the empty cup and she nods her head. "Good," she finishes up the rest of her water and places it in the sink. The whole potions idea wasn't something she was into. "Pfft, Holden you know I'm a good student who follows directions," she teases while poking him playfully in the side. "I do recall that draught of war you, Avery, and Jackson brewed up before. Trouble is not in my name."

Hah, okay, so she was lying since Holden knew she could be just as mischievious as him, if not, more. But she'd like to keep that part of herself a mystery to many others. Amanda would like to appear innocent and then make mischief in the shadows. Afterall, she needed a different antic after having been the writer for the column two terms in a row. It didn't do her well in the end anyway.

Considering their choices, it was very slim. They'd stay in the castle and eventually get bored in either one of those rooms. Outside wasn't an option, or could it be? They didn't have to stay on school grounds and they can find a much more easier way to get to Hogsmeade, right? Perhaps ride their brooms? Holden's head next to Amanda's really didn't help much, but she giggled at the idea that two minds think better than one.

However, sitting in the middle of the hallways sounded like a good idea. Perhaps they could randomly hex students or set traps. She's known for her infamous invisible web. She used that to trap Tristam one time in her third year. Amanda should've used a more stickier method so that he could've stayed. Oh well, she'd rather not think of him anymore. He's just someone to her now, not anyone important.

"This will be a hard decision to make Holden. The hallways have a lot of potential, but I'm not sure if the students are ready for our coolness around the school," she snickered. "And surely going outside is out of the question. Even if we could go to Hogsmeade instead. We could fly our brooms! Then minimize them and go on our merrily way so that we wouldn't have to carry a thing. But what to do!?"

Too much thinking showed on Amanda's face. Her brows furrowed for a moment, thinking the best possible way to spend the next hour or so with Holden. And without realizing the whole situation of the colour of her eyes, she shot a weird glance toward Holden. A brow lifted curiously, trying to remember what it is he was sorry for saying. Blue eyes.

Amanda laughed a little and shook her head to Holden. "Don't be sorry. They are blue. At least you got that right or I would've chucked you," she laughed again and gently bumped into him. "Geeze you're so paranoid these days. Loosen up Holden, it's not like I'm going to bite or anything. Anyway, let's get out of here. I think if we stay any long the elves will surely bombard us. That'll be awkward."

She grabbed his hand out of his folded arms and pulled him away toward the kitchen doors. "So, we should definitely hurry and pick a place Holden. Hogsmeade? Maybe go to Zonko's and pick up some special gifts?" She looked back and winked at him. "Or do we stay here and try to create our own little antics of making fun of first years and making their day quite eventful?"