Long Lost Dreams

[Jade "Lizzy" Silvernacle]

RPL. How long had it been since Lizzy had last been here? Long enough. Sighing to herself she walked along to the bench she knew oh so well.

Sitting down she stared out over the lake. It was so beautiful here in the fall. Man she wished she had someone to share it with. Letting her gaze wander around she thought back onto how she had kept everything to herself for these past few months.

Though who would she tell? All of her close friends had left. She missed them too. A lot. Sighing she closed her eyes and listened to the sounds of fall.

[blerg]

[budlight]

It was good to finally be back. Granted, his efforts to get the guy his mom started dating his past year out of the picture had failed, he was happy to be back. His apperance had changed, he had a nice cut, not the usual long messy hair style. He got a new jacket from a store he had never set foot into until a few months ago, a black one from Old Navy, and for once, Brad's jeans had no rips or holes in it, although they were faded. One could almost call him 'preppy' from what he used to wear.

Along with his appereance, Brad himself felt as though he had changed in personality from the last time he was at the school. He was definately more serious, more secluded, and less likely to trust. One person he knew would see that change, and that was Lizzy. He wasn't even sure if he could be the same person as before, or if the two had grown apart in the time away, or if she met some new guy she fell head over heels for.

Walking around the grounds, he found himself on the lane. He knew he should send an owl to Lizzy that he was back, but he didn't want to make a planned meeting with her. If anyone could see his thoughts, they'd know he was afraid of the if's he thought of on his trip back. It seemed as though he didn't need to send a message to her. Lizzy was easily spotted on a bench farther down the lane. Brad hadn't smiled in a week, and simply seeing her caused a flicker of one. But the flicker dissapeared as he thought of the if's.

Would she even recognize him? Hands in his pocket, he continued down the lane towards her. Not making a sound as he neared her, Brad saw that her eyes were closed. Moving to sit on the bench, Brad neglected to see a crisp leaf until he heard it crunch under his foot. "Mind if I sit?" He asked as he sat next to her, knowing she most likely wouldn't.

[Jade "Lizzy" Silvernacle]

All was quiet for a minute until she heard a loud crunching that she knew to be someone stepping on a leaf. Baby blue eyes flying open Lizzy looked around to see someone that she hardly recognize, but his voice confirmed it was who she thought it was. There was something different about him that wasn't just the look. It was everything. Only knowing it was everything by the tone in his voice as well as the look in his eyes.

Sighing she nodded. They had a lot to catch up on, and she hoped that he hadn't changed so much that he wasn't partially the same boy she knew and loved. Though she had changed it really wasn't her personality except for she acted freer now and less reserved. Though so had her appearance. Her dyed brown hair had a ton of blonde highlights in it, she had gotten her tongue pierced, and her cartlidge as well. Her dressing style was a bit more punk/prep, but other than that she was the same old Lizzy.

"You're different." was all she could say her gaze returning to the grounds. Sure it sounded lame and chessy, but it was true. He was different in so many ways that she hoped he could be the same, but as of the moment she wasn't so sure about it. "Not that change isn't good." she added after a moment.

Bringing her knees up on the bench she hugged her legs. An old habit that would never be broken. She played with the silver stud now in her tongue as she waited to see what Brad had to say about her comment. She really hoped that if he had changed to a point where he was different from what he used to be that it was possible to get him back to his old self.

It was like her never ending battle with Elli, but no one knew the pain she was hiding at the moment because that was one thing she had learned to do while Brad was away. Keep everything to herself. Her lonelyness of all her friends disappearing, her missing Brad so much it hurt, the way she cried herself to sleep at night because she felt like she was heading back into the rut she had been stuck in for so many years, and so much more. Though the difference now was that no one could tell the difference behind that smile.

It seemed as though things wouldn't ever be the same as they used to be, and that hurt her more than anything. She loved the time when she first came to Trio's. It was a time of change. A time of good change that she didn't want to lose.

[budlight]

The blaintly obvious statement of him being different set up an awkwerdness that Brad was sure only felt in him. "It was time for a change." He said equally blunt, and added a shrug. "You've changed too." He said after a moment of silence. Looking over to her, Brad couldn't believe how different she looked. The brown hair, cartelige and tongue piercing. The two looked like somewhat opposites in his opinion.

He hadn't gotten much sleep since he had wrote to Lizzy. He had thought about her a lot while he was gone, and hated himself for leaving suddenly, like usual. Looking down to his knees, Brad sighed and looked out to the horizon. After thinking about what to say when he finally came back, Brad couldn't think of anything. "How's the term been?" He finally asked, somewhat awkwerdly.

--i knew the long posting would last long.--

[Jade "Lizzy" Silvernacle]

[lol that's ok]

Lizzy sighed realizing that what she had said was stupider than how it sounded. Tearing her gaze away from the grounds and back to Brad she bit her lip, "I'm sorry. It's- just-..." she broke off shaking her head and returning her gaze to where it had been. Oh yes that little visit to the newest room in the castle got to her. She wasn't hiding everything as good as she had been. The little benture to her past had broke her. Made her realize that she was turning her back on the world, and making choices that only changed her because she was trying to find an alternative. It was just like before. How everything origionally started. She wanted an alternative.

Shaking her head again she reached up and took the tongue stud and the cartlidge piercing out. "This isn't me." she whispered softly. Barely loud enough to be heard. Hugging her knees tighter she bit back everything that she had been keeping for fear of saying something stupid.

"Kinda boring, It just started a few days ago so not many classes are going yet." Oh yes. Classes another alternative she had turned to to drown out everything else. What else would she be using? Even though she answered she was still fighting everything back. Trying her best not to let it show. She always had to put her problems on someone else in order to feel better, and she wasn't going to let that happen again. No more. She was on her own now. Or at least she thought.

Sighing she shut her eyes and took a few deep breaths. "How was home?" she asked hardly able to utter the word home. It was a place she had recently visited, and it bothered her that she had no home outside of Trio's. And in two terms time she would be out in the real world with no place to go.

[budlight]

Listening for what it just was, Brad never heard it. Lizzy broke off and he looked to his knees. He used to know how to get her to talk to him, now, he didn't know what to say. He used to be 'smooth', now, it seemed as if that was a part of a distant past.

He was somewhat surprised when she took out the two piercings, and just barely caught the whisper. She had changed, from when he first met her to now, she was a different person. He wanted to tell her to keep the hair color, but he wasn't sure how to put it into words.

Only when she said classes was Brad reminded that he needed to sign up for them. Seeing her eyes shut, he knew something was wrong. And although he wanted to know what it was, he wasn't sure if he should try to get it out of her. Lifting his hand, he hesitated before putting his arm around her shoulders.

When she asked about home, Brad glared at the path infront of them. The thoughts of the place blocked his ablility to sense something in her voice at the word 'home'. "He's still there. I tried to get other family to help, but he just put on a show for them. They aren't used to me being, well, honest, so my word against his, and even though I told them about what happened with Angel, his word won." He hadn't moved his eyes from the spot on the path. Somehow, he managed to speak calmly, not tighten up, and not squeeze her shoulder.

Instead, the fist in his jacket pocket clinched, that was about all the reaction from him. After seeing relitives look at him like some kid that still hoped for his dad to come back, he learned to show little emotion. He had long since realized his dad would never be back, the same time he realized his brother was never going to come through the front door of the house again.

[Jade "Lizzy" Silvernacle]

Through all the pain Lizzy was holding back she didn't think that she could have anymore hurt, but she was wrong. Oh far far from right. Brad had changed so much he didn't even try, or bother for that matter to try and get it out of her. Out of her what was on her mind. Keeping her like this.

And even though she didn't want to admit it she realized Brad was at a point where he wasn't going to change. Back to the person that changed her forever on this bench four terms ago, back to the person who seemed to know her better than anyone else.

Sighing she shook her head again and looked out over the grounds and the lake. Hardly noticing that he had put his arm around her. It wasn't until he was telling her about being home did she notice he hadn't noticed, like he used to, that her voice caught on the word home, and the fact that now his arm was around her shoulders.

Silence. That was all that met Brad when he finished speaking. Hugging her knees tighter Lizzy shook a bit from the fact that she was trying to keep everything in when she wanted so badly to let it all out. After a few minutes of slince she finally spoke, her voice was soft and caught easily on words pertaining to ever being home, "I'm sorry about that. It must be difficult to come back here knowing that what you wanted to accomplish failed because he put a show on." Her gaze hadn't broken from the lake this whole time and it would probably be difficult to break it from there without her breaking into tears and spilling everything. Something she wasn't about to do with the changed Brad.

[budlight]

"You only fail when you accept defeat. I've accepted that I'm related to a bunch of blind, idiotic people, but not defeat." Failure was something he never really set himself up for. He never made many goals in his life, and the fact that this first one had infact failed miserably wasn't something he was ready for.

Glancing to Lizzy, he noticed how she refused to look at him. He was failing again. 'Talk to me, Liz, what's wrong?' was the phrase that formed in his mind, but he couldn't quite get it through his mouth. "Besides, everyone puts on a show sometimes. It just a matter of being able to see through them. I have, and..." He hesitated, not sure what he was going towards. "And I think you are."

It hurt him to say 'I think'. Brad's feeling of failure increased. Here they were supposed to be boyfriend/girlfriend, and he barely knew what to do.

[Jade "Lizzy" Silvernacle]

Lizzy only shrugged her pain, and anger building up getting closer and closer to bursting, but she fought it down for the sake of Brad just getting back. Though she wouldn't let herself do it she wanted to just walk away then and there. Brad had changed. To much for that matter. And she was pretty darn sure that he wasn't going to be able to be the old Brad she knew well, and the one that knew her.

At this her anger and pain reached bursting point and it was taking all her will power not to cry. Not to burst out in a venting rant. Not to say something she knew she'd regret. She was shaking now a bit more than before, "What's that supposed to mean?" she asked glaring at the lake while keeping her voice calm and natural.

[budlight]

He could feel her shaking. "Lizzy, I may be a little slow, but I'm not blind." He bit his lip, and he had to take his arm off of her. It was all he could do to keep his face emotionless. "I may be different, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you anymore."

Brad wanted to get up and leave, and he had a feeling she did to, but he wanted to at least try to talk. Try to go back to where they left off. He was slowly realizing that was near impossible at the moment. "I don't care if you yell, scream, or hit me in anyway. I've been through it all before." He lied. He did care, but he knew it was well deserved. He just wanted to know if they might be able to bridge the gap.

[Jade "Lizzy" Silvernacle]

Just knowing that Brad wasn't totally gone calmed Lizzy down a bit. Maybe there still was hope. Maybe. There was a small sliver of hope that she didn't want to lose sight of. Shutting her eyes she took a few deep breaths to stop herself from shaking. After a minute or so she gained control again. "Sometimes change isn't for the better." she said in a slightly cold voice. She hated herself for speaking so, but it would most likely take some tough love to get the old Brad back.

Her breathing still shaking Lizzy shook her head, "It's alright. It's nothing." she said knowing that if the old Brad was there at all he wouldn't accept that for an answer. The old Brad would make sure he got every last detail from her. This was her test as to weather or not there was a chance to get her Brad back at all. She knew he wouldn't be able to tell the difference either way, but she would, and she hoped it worked.

[budlight]

Looking down the path where he came from, Brad almost regreted coming down it. Part of him wanted to give up. A small voice was telling him that he wouldn't be able to get her to talk to him. "You're right." He finally said after a long pause. Unable to piece together anything that made sense.

When she told him it was nothing, he just shook his head. "Liz, I'm not stupid." Looking at her, Brad was actually frustrated she had barely glanced at him since he had gotten there. "Look at me and tell me nothings wrong." He said, almost in a dare. All he wanted was to see her eyes. To see if there was any hint of shine in them.

--my last one tonight, i'll be back tomorrow--

[Jade "Lizzy" Silvernacle]

Swallowing she didn't say what she wanted to. Her heart was telling her to say, 'I'm sorry that was harsh. I didn't mean it. I'm just... confused right now.' but something was stopping her. Something she didn't understand. She wanted the old Brad back, but something inside her also wanted to hurt him. Hurt him for his sudden dissappearances without warning. Though there was another part of her that didn't mind it because he always came back even if it added to her stress.

Eyes fluttering shut the glimmer of hope started shining a bit brighter. Surprising as it was the old dimply smile that she had so long ago flitted across her face before dissappearing again. A single tear found it's way down her cheek as she turned her head so she was facing Brad again she opened her eyes. "I can't." she said surrendering to the fact that he could still tell that she was hurt and angry for some reason or another.

Looking at Brad Lizzy searched for some sort of hint that the old him was still there just itching to be back. Her eyes had the faintest shine that they had in weeks. It had disappeared when her hope was deteriorating, but it was coming back slowly with her hope.

[budlight]

The smile she gave was a sad one. The pause between the small smile and her words, Brad knew he was overthinking everything. He had been doing that for a few months now, and was now a habit. No one could possibly understand the war inside himself to get back to his usual reaching out and relaxed ways. It just wasn't in him.

The 'I can't' got his feeling of failure to decrease slightly, but the tear increased the feeling more than it had fallen. He wanted to tell her how sorry he was, and if he had anything to do with this that he would try to not do it anymore, but that was a promise he couldn't make. Seeing the small shine in her eyes pulled the corners of his lips up the slightest possible.

"Talk to me, Liz. You can still trust me." He finally managed to say.

[Jade "Lizzy" Silvernacle]

Turning her gaze so it was on the grounds again Lizzy shook her head, "I-i'm not so sure I can." she said frowning at her own belidgerence. Though that's what you get when you keep things all up and to yourself for so long it's hard to just let it all out.

It sent her mind back to the first time she was sitting on this bench and Brad was there. She was reluctant to let anything out at first, but eventually he coaxed it out of her. Though the thing she was scared of was that there wasn't enough of the old Brad left to try and get it out. She hoped with all her heart there was, but Lizzy just wasn't sure about anything anymore.

Where she stood with Brad, who she was as a person, who she wanted to be, and so many other things. It was all bottled up and to herself too so that just added to it. Lizzy was so close to falling back into her old rut, but she was scared of it too. She just didn't know how much more she would be able to handle. She wanted to know. She needed to know, but she didn't.

[budlight]

When she basically said she didn't trust him, Brad took it as a heavy blow. Tempted as he was to softly say 'just kick me while I'm down, won't you?', he couldn't. He knew that would be a low blow on his part. "What's that supposed to mean?" Using the same question she had used on him. His voice was soft, almost whispering.

He had enough on his mind without worrying about her, but that was something that would never leave him. Somewhere he once heard a quote along the lines of 'we build walls to see who cares enough to knock them down'. Hanging he head, he knew that while he was gone, she built up walls of her own, walls he had gotten through once with effort, but now was to 'weak' to attempt without knowing she still wanted them to be together.

[Jade "Lizzy" Silvernacle]

Sighing Lizzy looked over at Brad again. The look on his face showed that she had hit a soft spot that took a big blow on him. She really didn't want to do this, but something inside of her was making her do things that she wouldn't normally do. Shaking her head she buried her head in her arms in a failed attempt to block out the world.

After a minute or two and many silently fallen tears Lizzy said in a slightly muffled voice, "I don't know. I don't mean anything. I'm just so lost and confused and scared right now." She trusted the old Brad she knew, but this new Brad she wasn't so sure of yet. She didn't know if he would be any of the same. In any way at all. She hoped he did, but she wasn't so sure, and she was afraid of what the answer might be. Afraid of falling again. Into that rut that took ten years to get out of.

Taking a deep breath she kept her head buried in her arms so Brad wouldn't be able to see the silent tears streaming down her cheeks.

[budlight]

Why did he have to leave? He kept asking himself over and over again. How could he tell her that he needed to know that to someone he still mattered. His elbows on his knees, Brad bent down and locked his fingers behind his head. "Liz, I left home with family calling me a liar and an attention seeker..." He started talking, hoping that she might understand where he was coming from.

"But I'm not a liar, or an attention seeker. I'm someone who just wants to help. Who wants to be useful." He couldn't believe the amount of emotion that saying that brought to him. "I haven't changed into someone who can't be trusted." He finished with a sniff, trying to keep his composure.

[Jade "Lizzy" Silvernacle]

Turning her head away from Brad, Lizzy wiped the tears from her face and willed them to stop falling. Taking a deep shaky breath she stood up, but instead of walking away she kneeled on the ground next to Brad. With another shaky breath she put a gentle shaky hand on his arm.

"You've always been a big help to me. It's just that I'm lost and confused and I really don't know who I can trust anymore. So many people I care deeply for are dissappearing without a trace. While others are slowly slipping away falling slowly into the same rut I just barely came out of seven months ago. It took so much to get me out of there, and so little is pushing me back. I'm turning back into the same untrusting, self mutilating person I was for eight years. I don't want that. I want the same me I had in my second term."

Pausing she took a breath and with the hand that wasn't on Brad's arm she wiped away the fresh tears that were streaming down her face. "I've been struggling the whole time, but for the most part I've been pulling away from those dangerous binds, and now it's like they have renewed strength and they are just ripping me back, and away from everything else. All the walls that you managed to tear down are rebuilding themselves stronger than before, and I'm this cold, uncaring person that keeps everything to herself."

"Whenever someone disappears with no sign of coming back another part of me is ripped away. Bella, Elli, and all my old friends from first term are gone. They left. I haven't seen shay in two terms, I haven't seen you in over a term. I was alone. The only one that didn't disappear at all was Kali, and we aren't really best buds. Shay and Shauna are as close to sisters as Meme and Maia are to me. And the four of them all dissappeared as well. Meme and Maia are back, but Shay and Shauna aren't as far as I know."

"I'm falling apart and I don't know what to do anymore. And now you come back and you're not even the same person that saved me so many times. It just scares me even more." she said finishing her spiel before falling back onto the ground and hugging her knees to herself once again her head buried in her arms letting the tears fall freely. There she had finally done it again. Fallen. Broken apart. Sometimes there is more than meets the eye, and now it was all out.

[budlight]

She was crying, he knew that, but he was numb to emotions, at least, he wanted to be numb. When she stood, Brad half-expected her to leave, but instead, Lizzy opened up to him. He listened to her, about everyone that had left, and him being included in that group. Listening, he waited for her to finish, not wanting to interrupt her. When she was done, he looked up to see her in a ball infront of him.

Before he over thought anything, Brad got off the bench and bear hugged her. "The walls can't be that thick. Not if you can tell me all that." He whispered, what he hoped was hopefull words. He wanted to tell her he would never leave again, but that was a promise he couldn't make.

"Before I came back, the reason for all this change, I realized, I'm not Superman. There's no way I'll ever be as strong, and there's no way I can change the past." He kept talking, he felt he owed an explination. "I can't promise I won't leave again, but I can promise I'll try not to. If I do, Angel is here, and I know she's more than willing to help anyone. That's the one thing we both have always done."