Artist turned Writer

[Demi Moore]

Well, since this scrap paper hasn't been used for any late projects, why not just use it to write on? Well, the other day I talked to Brayden, and this time it didn't end with us jumping down each others throats. It was a nice change, but there was something that he said that I don't really believe. He said that if I only just opened up a little more to people, some guy's gonna 'fall victim to me'.

What's up with that. Maybe it's worth a try, right? Who knows what might happen. But like, what if Jaden showes up as soon as I start loosening up. I still really care about him, and I wanted it to work out with him.

Just thinking about Jaden, it's strange. I actually feel the hurt that I relate to thinking about my parents. I don't understand it. Why has he gotten so far under my skin that I feel a distinct pang everytime I think of him?

I don't care anymore.
I'm done with relationships.
Whatever, I'll be able to figure stuff out as I go along, now that I have something I can reread to track myself.
That's enough for today, don't you think?
Devnet

[Demi Moore]

Nightmares

They've been keeping me up, so I guess instead of curling up and wanting to cry my eyes out, I guess I've changed a lot since I got here. Well, here it goes:

I'm younger, about 5. Back home, with my parents, they're faces I only see because I watched those video's at my grandparents house. Anyway, I just got into the kitchen, and like that, everything around me goes up in flames, all I see is the orange, I can feel the heat. I try to force myself to wake up, because I know I have to talk in my sleep when I have these dreams, and it's embarrassing to think that they might hear me.

I know it doesn't sound like much, but since that really happened, and since that's how my parents died. I guess when I get super stressed, these things just come back to me, full throttal. It scares me more than you know. I've already done a sketch of that, and so since that didn't help, I figured I should try writing it out, but that's as good as I can do at the moment. I can't do this anymore.

Devnet

[Demi Moore]

Wow, it's been awhile. So much has happened. Grandma died... I didn't think that was going to hurt so much to see, but knowing that the only person that cared about me back home is gone, well, it makes me feel homeless. I'm never going back there again, no matter what. No one else cares. I thought Andy might be starting to at least feel sorry for me, but I don't want his pity. I'd rather things be more like normal, even if it means him cutting me down. It'd just feel more normal.

So there's this guy, I can't get him out of my head, but I know it'll never work. I'm afraid to write down his name, and I'm afraid of saying anything to him. If I lose this notebook, do you know how dangerous that could be? Anyway, we're just friends, and the kind of guy Grandma would be proud of. I can be friends though. At least its better than nothing. Whatever, right? Who needs that anyway? Relationships are just full of false hope and... and... they hurt to much when they're over.

Anyway. I can't do much, it's just hurting to read and write all of this. It's too much. I can't let it get to me. I just wish there was someone I could talk to, I mean really talk to. I mean, I still write to Shania, but not all that much. I know nothing of my family on that side other than they live in Pennsylvania for the most part. Someone's coming, I'm going to leave, I'll be in touch

Devnet.

[Demi Moore]

Wow, I really stink at this writing thing. Just a quick summary, Black showed up again. For all of one week, and disappeared again. It seems like every time I forget about him, he comes back. Jaden? I haven't heard from him since he disappeared. Part of me wants to write to him about Grandma, because I wish he got to meet her before she... died.

The only person that really talks to me is Brayden. As much as I hate to admit it, I think old feelings are coming back. I don't want to say anything, especially since that whole Black incident. Brayden and I had met up in the kitchens, and I don't really remember what happened, except that it ended with us walking on eggshells of conversation. If I can only be friends, I don't want every meeting to end with tension.

Shania told me to get on a computer to check out this one band, so I'm in the MER right now, listening to LoveSick Radio. The name amuses me. Anyway, the song's 'Boys Don't Matter'. Again, it amuses me. Here's a bit for you:
She's been so hurt, He's been so mean
Smacks her around like she's a tambourine
Its her time to laugh, its her time to sing
Now its her time to just try anything
Now she's running through his mind he's wondering why she said goodbye

Granted, I'm sure I'm not running through anyone's mind, nor have I ever been hit, but I just wish it was that easy. Or maybe it is, and I'm just over thinking it. Whatever, this song's almost over, and I'm going to look for Nickelback. Muggle rock is the best.

[Demi Moore]

So, the other day, my parent's death's annaversary to be exacty, I was up in the Clocktower. Some girl came up and found me ending the crying I was doing. I got trapped into telling her everything, which wasn't as hard as I thought it was. Anyway, it took me telling a stranger for me to realize... that I want a second chance.

It sucks, because, I can't come right out and tell him... well I could, but who knows what would happen? I'm not ruining a friendship, expesially one that means the world to me. I'll just see how things play out. Anyway, I'm actually going to get some sleep tonight. G'night

[Demi Moore]

So for that dance thingy that happened on Halloween, I got an invitation from a 'Secret Admirer'... Guess who it turned out to be. I realize that my last entry made no sense, but I've finally realized how much Brayden means to me. After talking and finally getting out what has brought me down for a huge part of my life, to someone I don't know, I've been able to smile easier.

I've actually laughed. I'm not sure what's going to happen next anymore, but the one thing I know is that I don't care. I don't want to have everything figured out anymore... well, to an extent. I'm just going to try not to let feelings interrupt a friendship. Especially one that I shouldn't have. I'm still smiling, even as I'm writing. I've got to get going though, if I'm ever going to get to sleep.
laters.