&& we're all heartbreakers sometimes.

[robotboy]

this is the dance for all the lovers.

September 21, 2007

I thought I might as well start a journal. After all, I haven't got that many friends, so I have no one to talk to and I can't just keep everything bottled up inside or I'll explode.

Let's see. I'm officially single again. Alessa broke up with me. No surprise there since I broke her heart. I'm an idiotic, selfish, heartbreaking loser. The worst of it is that I haven't even gotten to speak to her after the whole gossip column incident. I was going to owl her the morning after it happened to tell her about it, but what's the point if the gossip has already told her?

So now she probably thinks I'm even more terrible. She probably doesn't want to talk to me ever again anyway. I don't blame her. But I really do hate myself for what I did. It was a stupid impulse to keep kissing Aaryn when she started kissing me. But I can't go back in time and change what I did.

Luckily, people have slowly begun to forget about it all. I only get a few glares, insults, and things thrown at me now. I haven't really spoken to Aaryn much, let alone anyone. Just kept quiet because a lot of people hate me now as I'm known as a cheating scumbag.

I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I didn't mean to hurt her. I'm not a monster. Am I? It seems I have no one to clarify whether I am or not. I have no friends to support me in this... depression, for lack of a better word. Analisa, Izzie, Harley... where are all of them? Gone.

So, I'm left with no one.

I probably deserve it, anyway.

Dezi

[/blockquote]

[robotboy]

it's too late to apologize.

October 25th, 2007

I got really confused about the whole... Alessa thing. Apparently, right after we broke up, she confessed her love to her best friend, Nathaniel. So how do I even know our love was true? If she could just love another guy so easily, she must have loved him while we were dating. I made a mistake kissing Aaryn, so when Alessa and I broke up, I was heartbroken. Apparently, she isn't as heartbroken, since she already loves another guy.

I'm also confused about Aaryn. The kiss was a mistake, like I said, but it gave me this funny feeling in my tummy... I think I was hiding my crush of her to myself, but that kiss brought it all out. And it felt so amazing. I've never kissed a girl with that much passion before. I get pains in my chest just thinking about it.

Yet, I did something kind of stupid. All of these confusing girl things topped off with people calling me dirt for kissing Aaryn while dating Alessa made me very stressed. I left school and went home to Venice, where all my friends cheered me up. But, I failed third year and have to repeat it. Now I'm back. And depressed again. I haven't got any friends here! Now I don't even have a girlfriend. And who knows what Aaryn is up to.

She probably has a boyfriend by now.

I'm pretty stupid.

Dezi

[/blockquote]

[robotboy]

i've got the gift of one liners and you've got the curse of curves.

October 28th, 2007

I don't think I've ever felt so terrible in my life. So the other day I was walking in Rose Petal Lane and I saw Aaryn. It was raining and she looked cold, so I gave her my zip-up hoodie. She gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, so I kind of thought she might still have a crush on me. But then she started talking about this guy - Pierce James - and how they're dating and going to the dance together. She sounded really excited. So I guess she's moved on.

The worst part is, I mentioned how I was going to the dance with Cateline and she didn't seem to mind. So she obviously doesn't have feelings for me anymore. And I feel bad for using Cateline as a way to make her jealous. I'm going to promise myself not to think of Aaryn or Pierce the whole time I'm at the dance with Cateline. She's really nice, and I don't want to ruin the night for her.

Anyways, I guess it's time for me to move on. Aaryn has, so why shouldn't I?

Dezi

[/blockquote]

[robotboy]

just the thought of seeing you in love with someone else breaks my heart.

November 13th, 2007

Okay, so let's start off. Classes have been going... okay-ish. I really want to move up a year, but I don't know if I will or not. Hm. I'm kind of hanging out with Chantal though. That's Jackson's sister. I never knew we were in the same year. She's pretty nice, and cute, too.

The dance was tonight. I dressed up as Scarface. Cateline came dressed in a half angel, half devil costume. We matched with colours, so it was pretty cool. We had drinks and snacks, and danced, of course. We were one of the last couples on the dance floor, actually. It was great, because I had a good time in her company and didn't think of Alessa or Aaryn. Eventually, we parted. That's when I saw Pierce and Aaryn kissing.

Then the night got a bit bad. I was pretty angry to see them kissing. Jealousy, yeah. I had no right to do what I did, but I pushed Pierce away and... well, he was angry with me, obviously. He told me I had my chance and I blew it, which is the truth. He shoved me, too, but I didn't hit him. I'm not a violent person, I just can't bring myself to fight. Even though I was really angry. I told Aaryn that I still have feelings for her, and I can't have my heart played with anymore. So she has to decide if she still likes me or not.

I bet this whole thing will be in the Gossip Column. Hooray. I feel terrible now, though. Pierce is this taller, strong guy. It's no wonder Aaryn likes him. I'm just scrawny and all. I can't be him. I just can't. She probably would've liked to see me fight physically for her, but I just couldn't.

God, I'm so pathetic.

Dezi

[/blockquote]