Diary of a Sinner: Nathaniel Haake

[nathanielhaake]

And they say 'the show must go on'

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The last journal I had was burnt in the fiery embers of my father's den before I had left to come here. I guess I decided to burn my life's ranting just in case my parents decided to snoop through my room. However, with the amount of freedom I have here at school, I'm able to finally let all of my feelings out on paper.

As this is my third term, which my fourth term is soon approaching, a lot has happened in my life. Recently contemplating of the past events since my arrival to the school, it's been an up and down roller-coaster, well whatever that is. I have heard that saying from a few even though I do not know what a roller coaster is exactly. But I'm not here to explain my confusion with the muggle world.

I've come to a bump in the road since last practice with the Quidditch team. I wasn't too sure how to react and when it happened, I was too embarrassed to continue on normally. I know my feelings for Xiomara are messed up. What makes it even more complicating is that she's involved just as much as Alexander. Somehow, since last term, he's changed. It's like he's trying to play some sort of connecting role between her and I. I just don't know.

I guess I have been non-respondant to Xiomara for the past few weeks. Afraid of what she might think of me. Afterall, there have been awkward moments between us. I've become jealous at times when I shouldn't be. Best friends, right? That is what we are suppose to be. I know that Alessa and Amanda are also my best friends, but my feelings for Xiomara run deeper and different aside from them.

Amanda is a wonderful gal. It may seem like we were actually dating, and it has felt like that. However, we made a mutual decision that we're best as friends. Alessa, I don't even know where she has been, but last I heard she is with a great guy named Dezi? i think that is right. But Xiomara... as soon as practice ended, I just couldn't think straight. And I've stressed beyond belief over this feeling. They are suddenly resurfacing, and now I just don't know how to act around her.

I must get a hold of myself. This has happened before, and I should know how to handle my feelings. Maybe some rest will do me well. It's late at night, and I have lacked sleep for the past week. But what will happen when I face her? Can I act like myself? If I have done it once, I could do it again. Thinking too much. This is going to stress the hell out of me! Anyway, I've written all I needed to get out. I don't stress much with school and classes anymore, but more about my friends and this nagging feeling that things are going to change. I'm not sure for the better good, but I'm actually afraid for the first time since the future is unknown. I may have to be cautious. Yeah.[/color][/font][/blockquote]

[nathanielhaake]

June 22^nd, 2007

Uninvited

The past few days have been trouble for myself and my thoughts. Not only have I snapped at one of the Slytherin teammates, she had it coming, but I felt like I could not control the uprising rage I had within me. I knew that at some point there would be a break in me, and Elesy had almost broken me through. Xiomara was no help, but what could I expect her to do? I just wanted the girl to have an attitude adjustment. But no one has respect around here for others anymore. Perhaps, perhaps I need to move on.

I'm on the edge of this knife blade, unsure of how I feel or what is to come. My mind is boggled and I cannot control myself these days anymore. I just want to be the same old Nathaniel that I was, but something happened. Something within me took over. Could it be that I've embraced Herpo in to my soul? I do not want to be as dark of a wizard as him. I do not want to cause destruction and ruin the lives of people around me. Maybe I should leave?

Abandoning anyone would be the best choice. I just feel that I cannot be as caring as I used to be. I'm only eighteen years old! Why should I have to care for everyone in this world for the greater good? I think this is what my parents have warned me about. Deception. Suddenly I see that people are beginning to deceive me and take my friendliness for granted. I'm extremely loyal, I know, but I should have known better than to trust in others than just myself.

However, there is good in this world I look forward to. Alessa, Amanda, Alexander, Lillian, and yes.. even Xiomara. I'm still confused on what I think about her. My old feelings suddenly arising from the greater depths of my soul in which I've hidden for so long. I cannot be as open as I used to. I just don't know how to follow that path again. I just cannot trust anyone at this point. Maybe it is because I'm feeling threatened by some unnamely force that is creeping around me.

My change in person has frightened me and my dreams have become worse. I don't think I could ever share what is happening to me. And each nightmare that I have endured gets worser. I think that I need help. Maybe I should go to Professor Slughorn[Horace] for help and explain what is happening to me. Maybe bringing my troubles to him will finally be a release to redeem myself of such troubles. I do need help. I need to be free of this curse...

[nathanielhaake]

September 29^th, 2007

I hate what I've become

I cannot even begin to explain how much trouble I have been in since I have last updated this journal. It's been two months since I've written in this dingy book of my life. And I just needed a place to release all that I have kept inside. First off, I've been promoted to fifth year and prefect a long while ago. I still have my position as keeper on the Slytherin Quidditch Team. And my love life is a mess. I know, right?

When did I start having a love life? I mean Amanda was a one time thing, a fling, an experimentation. But when did Alessa start having feelings for me? When did she begin to love me more than just friends? And Xiomara wasn't as innocent either. I've been such a fool to influence the both of them to the point where both cannot return to how things were.

I love Alessa and Xiomara. Xiomara kissed me! Alessa confessed her love to me. But how do I know either one of them meant it? Alessa just broke up with her boyfriend Dezi after an incident in the Quality Quarters with Aaryn. The worst part about it is that she's vulnerable and I just so happen to have come to sweep her off her feet. I cannot toy with people's emotions. I was there to help her and it's no wonder she came out clean with me. But did she mean it? Does she really love me more?

And Xiomara. That kiss that still haunts my very memory of that day. I cannot say that I didn't want it because I've wanted it for so long. I'm a mess. I'm in a position where I have to choose love over love because I love them both. They do mean the world to me and I would just hate to lose either one of them. Thank the Lord that Amanda is neutral.

But what is my decision? Who do I choose? Xiomara just wants to be friends now. She understood that her time has gone. But... but what if I'm making a mistake? We could have fit perfectly together. Quidditch lovers, prefect and captain, Melon Head and Jesus. And then there is Alessa. The first person I met when I arrived to this girl. The first person who knew my background. We shared the stars and the moon together.

I hate myself for this. I hate being in this position. And I hate that I cannot love them both at the same time because I'll be put in a position where I have to love one more than the other. And the time I spend with one will be more than the other. Will jealousy get in the way? Would either one understand if I hang out with the other more? I just don't know! I frickin' don't know!!

Love is suppose to hurt. You're suppose to suffer. And in the end, you die from loving. I feel like I'm suffering too much. I just need my space away from the both of them. I need to think things out clearly. Frick! I don't know what I'm doing. I've never really been IN LOVE! I'm eighteen years old and these girls are at least a couple years younger than me. What do they know about love and 'the one'? What do I know!?

I just want to curl up in a corner and be left alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to make this decision. I don't want any of it. Would Herpo have made things easier though? If I weren't me anymore, and he took over, would things turn out differently? Probably. In the end I'd be alone, hurting everyone I knew and loved, and I wouldn't have to worry about ending up with someone for the rest of my life.

Breathe. I just need to get out of here. I need to be left alone and just scamper off to some desolate area where no one can bother me. I've paid my dues and this is what I get in return. This is what I get when I become fully human. Emotions that I cannot control, decisions I don't want to make, and hatred more toward myself than anyone else. I just wish... I wish I was back home.

That's enough ranting for now. I've basically written all I needed to get out of me. Hopefully things can turn better in the future. We'll see...