Monica Reed's Journal

[americaneagle14]

Entry 1
June 6th, 2007

Insomnia

From the title of what I'm about to write, there isn't much to say. Obviously, my insomnia has been kicking in. I think in the past few days I've only gotten probably two to three hours of sleep. This can't be a good thing. Whenever I do sleep I get nightmares, so I never really get any rest. I think I should start going to the nurse for a potion or something to help me out.

I'm getting stressed out mostly by the fact that I can't sleep. And because I'm stressed, I can't go to sleep because my brain won't calm down. It's a vicious cycle, and I don't know how to get it to stop. I swear, I'm going to go insane if I can't sleep tonight. It's horrible trying to sleep in a dormitory full of other snoring people, left to my thoughts and an overactive cat.

The nightmares aren't helping either. They keep me from actually wanting to sleep. I don't understand why I can't just have a dreamless sleep like normal people. This can't be good for my attending classes, either. I end up nodding off during class and I can barely pay attention to the majority in the first place.

My nightmares are all the same, too. I could understand if they were different little twisted fantasies each time, but they never differ! I can't deal with it anymore. I had to deal with it a year ago, I don't understand why my mind insists on bringing it up over and over when all I want to do is just forget. I feel worthless.

Ugh... Well, I think that's all I have to put down for now. I might have to go patrol again tonight... At least I'll have something to do since I won't sleep.

-- Monica

[americaneagle14]

Entry 2
July 2nd, 2007

Confusion

Oh, where to start? I'm confused to a point where I want to just curl up in bed, fall asleep, and never wake up until things are normal again. Heh. That's a lovely thought. Too bad it won't happen. I can barely manage to stay asleep for a few hours, much less the time it would take for things to ever become normal again.

Well, first there's Andion. Term change is coming up, and I haven't seen him in over a month. He could be 'sick' again. But I don't understand how he can manage to be sick this much. It's just odd. I miss him, but how much is there to miss? Ever since we got back together, we see less and less of each other. What a grand relationship we have, a meeting about once every few months, then nothing. Does this even count as a relationship?

Moving on... My sleeping situation has gotten a bit better. A bit. Ever since I went to the nurse and got that potion, my body has decided to ease up a bit. But I'm still not getting the rest that I should. I get about three hours a night. I guess I should be thankful.

As for classes, for all I know, I'm only passing one, maybe two. My brain is so muddled, I can barely figure out what information goes with what subject. Not to mention the Animagus class has been getting new professors every two weeks. I want to keep going to that class, but I doubt I'll ever become an Animagus, anyway. Not with the way I've been lately.

With the disappearance of my best friend came the reappearance of an old one. Shayne's been popping up everywhere. I've never known much about him, but when he told me he had been 'training', I could only wonder what he meant. I kind of want to get to know him, he seems different.

But lately I haven't had the will to really do anything, so there's a small chance of that happening. I'm not even going to bother to find out where Tristam went off to. I'm curious to know where he is, but I'm sure I'll hear from him sooner or later. At least, I hope I will.

My hand's cramping, so I'm cutting off the entry for tonight.

--Monica

[americaneagle14]

Entry 3
August 6th, 2007

Anger

I've pent it up for so long without even noticing. I've ignored it, dismissed it, kept it at bay. But ever since I visited Drusilla and Uncle Erik, I've been constantly reminded of what I don't want to remember; in dreams and even when I just can't sleep in the early morning. Right now, I'm struggling not to just let it all out, I'm afraid of what I might do.

Death Eaters and Dark wizards are surfacing again. Already an Auror has died. I'm thinking of actually trying to become one myself, but I doubt I could ever succeed in it. I'm not the kind of person who wants to protect and serve the general public, though... All I want is a chance for payback.

It's scary, actually. The thoughts I've been having, I mean. He killed him in front of my eyes, he's caused me so much pain, so why can't I do the same for him? Specific ways to torture have passed through my mind, and I don't know whether or not that's healthy... What's worse is that I'm perfectly willing to pursue them.

But he deserves it, doesn't he? He took my father away from me, just because he was doing his job. And he was never punished for what he did. It's only right that he gets to feel what I've felt. Isn't it? All the government would do is put him in prison, but that isn't enough.

He doesn't know how many nights I've fallen asleep to see the exact same thing over and over. Even when my insomnia kicks in, the images still come. If I were the one to catch him... Oh, what I would do... At this point, I really don't even care what would happen afterwords. As long as I got to make him feel what I've felt, I don't care.

I've never thought of using the Unforgivable Curses before now. But I'm thinking of actually trying to use them. I've read about them, and the Cruciatus Curse is simple. But I think I'd rather just do it by hand... Knives are such simple and effective tools.

The first thing I need to do, though, is find out who it was... I can barely remember his face. Whenever I dream about it, all I hear is screaming, and a flash of green light. No name, only a short glimpse of his face. I have just two terms left at this school, and they will drag on... So many things could happen between now and the time I graduate. The one thing I want right now is just to get the chance, get the chance to hurt him myself, before the Aurors get to him.

I've said all I can say about this for now. Hopefully I'll be able to repress the memories a bit longer. Goodnight for now.

- Monica

[americaneagle14]

Entry 4
August 25, 2007

Dreams

Right, well I've decided to make this journal more of a dream log. Sleep seems to become less and less available without medication, so whenever I do sleep and get a dream out of it, I'll write it down. The only reason for this, though, is because they're more like memories, except when I'm dreaming they're more vivid then when I just try to remember. Since I've just woken up, even though I slept for only about an hour, I've decided to record my most recent dream. But I woke up as another scene was about to come up... I'll probably dream about it some other time. As for now, this is what I dreamt.

||Dad

I'm standing in a large room, bare feet cold on the hardwood floor, staring at a mirrored wall, tugging on an irritatingly itchy blood red and white dress. I can't be more than seven years old from my appearance in the mirror. Mom is a few feet away, arms crossed looking angry, standing in the same dress. Dad's talking to me, what he's saying I can't really tell. Then all of a sudden I turn and start yelling at him. "Why do I have to learn it, though?! Mom's the veela, not me!" I stomp my foot down on the ground, pointing back at Mother.

"You're part, and that's all that matters. It's important to your mother that you learn it, so just do it for her," Dad said calmly, throwing a glance at Mother. I just look at Dad, frustrated.

"But it won't work if I do it! What's the point? Only real veela can make it work, and I'm not a real one!"

"It will work to a point, Monique. Ev'ry woman in zhe family can do it except for you, zhat's zhe point! You don't need it to work anyway! Christopher?" Mother says, asking for help from Dad.

"Daaad," I whine, giving him the look I know will work on him. He sighs in a defeated manner, then kneels down to my level and wags his finger for me to come to him. I do as I'm told.

"Monny, you remember that broom you saw when we were out shopping the other day?" he said with a small smile. I nod, confused at the sudden change in discussion. "Well, if you learn your mother's dance, and I mean do as she says, just make her happy and learn it, I'll teach you how to fly one. And," he says quietly, so Mother can't hear. "I'll even get you the best broom money can buy when you're old enough, yeah?"

My eyes by this time are wide, and I gasp, covering my mouth and looking at him in what seems like awe. "Really?" I ask breathlessly. He nods with a wide smile. The only way I can describe what I did was that I squealed, and pretty much tackled Dad in a hug. Of course, he didn't waver, only caught me and smirked at Mother. "There you go, Charolette." She looks pleased.

Suddenly I see a little flying paper airplane zoom into the room. It hovered in front of Dad, and I release him from the hug, looking at it with a bit of disappointment. I know it's a letter from work. Dad stands up and takes it, reading it with a slight frown. He walks to Mother and gives her a short hug and a kiss, muttering something I can barely hear. "They've found information on Adrian. I'm sorry, Darling, but I have to go to work. I'm sure it'll be another late night..."

He turns to me, putting on a fake smile. I can see through it, but I look at him in curiosity. "I have to go check something out at work, Monny. I'll see you in the morning, yes?" I nod, hugging him around the waist (as that's how high up I am on him anyway). He pats my back and leaves the room. Mother's lesson continues and the scene dissolves. ||

I can't believe I actually learned that dance for her... I bet I can still do it, too. I remember all the steps and movements... I never have found out if it has the same affects on men as it does when a full veela performs it. Oh well... That's all for now. I have to go feed Zack, anyway. He keeps pricking me legs with his damn claws. Annoying little git...

- Monica

[americaneagle14]

Entry 5
August 31, 2007

Dreams

I've just woken up, and by the looks of it, it's about four in the morning. Zach isn't bothering me, for once, and after about three hours of sleep [which was amazing], I had another dream. It was different this time, a different memory. I haven't thought about it in ages, and the dream is really vivid, almost as if it had happened yesterday instead of ten years ago. This one has Dad in it again, too...

||The Trinity

It starts as I am sitting with my chest to the back of a chair, sitting reverse with my night tank top pulled up over my head to rest against my neck, arms still in the sleeves and my front still fully covered. My eyes are closed calmly, chin resting on the back of the chair. I feel a rather cool touch on my back. At first, I shiver slightly, but quickly become used to the constant tracing on my back, more specifically between my shoulder blades. I open my eyes a crack, looking tiredly down at my hands which are clasped together around what seemed to me like a huge chair. I look at my nails, frowning slightly. My hands are small, the nails short and yet still had dirt under them. I start to try to clean the dirt from them, but then stop as I hear a familiar and soothing voice.

"Please don't fidget, sweetheart. I'll be done in a little while."

I'm confused. I try my hardest to sit still, staring down at my dark purple pajama pants, wanting to at least swing my feet around. "What're you doing, Daddy?" I ask curiously, feeling something drawing on my back. My voice is so high... I can't be more than seven or eight years old. I sigh heavily, bored and somewhat restless.

"It's a..." Dad paused, trying to put it in words I would understand. "It's a religious symbol. A trinity, you've seen one before." He stops short, trying to concentrate. His wand was emitting what looked like a liquid-like gas, flowing and being absorbed into my back. As the image stays I feel a bit of pressure along with a hot and cold feeling at the same time where the design is left.

After about ten minutes, I whine quietly, my back tightening, the muscles in my legs and arms flexing, showing my discomfort from sitting for so long. "One more minute, sweetie." I feel a sudden itch and the urge to squirm around, but I stay still, grimacing. I sigh irritatedly, looking at the wall. "Is it pretty?" I ask curiously, wanting to see it.

"Yeah..." Dad says quietly, tracing the finished design with the tip of his wand to finish what was probably an incantation. "It's you favorite color, too," he says with a calm yet cheery voice. From his kneeling position, he takes his wand away, slipping it into his pocket. He took the edge of my shirt and started to pull it back down over my back, but paused, still looking at the trinity.

"Do you want to see it? I think you'll like the blue," he said with a smile, moving slightly so that I can see his face. "Yeah," I say with a bit of excitement. He drops my shirt and picks me up by the sides to set be on the ground firmly. He walks me to a very long mirror, long enough to show him at his full height; I'm only up to his stomach. He kneels down again, brushing my semi-long blond hair over my shoulder and nudged me gently so that I'd turn a bit to have my back facing the mirror.

He conjured another one, a foot by foot size, and held it off to the side, telling me to look at it. and pushing down the back of my shirt so that I could see the whole thing. Around the design the skin is a bit pink, and I feel an odd heat in the area. "Ooh... It's pretty, Daddy," I say, looking away from the mirror to him, smiling. But the smile faltered slightly. "What's it for?" I ask with great curiosity.

Dad didn't answer immediately, a small crease on his forehead as he thought how to explain it. He seemed to be having great difficulty. "You'll find out when you're older, sweetie. It's very hard to explain. For now, it's just meant to be pretty," he ended, smiling. Before standing up straight, he held my head in his hand, kissing my temple affectionately.

"You were a good girl, staying still. It's late, though. I think you should go to bed. Tomorrow I have the day off, how would you like it if we all went out to the park?" he said with his comforting and friendly smile. I nod vigorously, a goofy looking smile on my face. Dad's smile widened, and he walked me to my bedroom. He tucked me in, kissing me goodnight and we say our I love you's and Sweet dream's. He turns off the lights.

||

And now, I'm awake. I haven't thought about that in such a long time. In fact... I haven't even looked at it since about... Was it second term? Around the time of the wedding... He said it was blue when he made it... But when I last looked at it, it was like a magenta color. It's probably nothing... For now, my hand is cramping, and I don't feel like taking out my Quick Quotes Quill. I'm tired... I think I'm going to take one of the vials of Sesshy's potion. I'll write more later.

- Monica